Questions We Asked Ourselves While Watching Macaulay Culkin Eat a Slice of Pizza

Normally if you hear about Macaulay Culkin this time of year, it’s because people are re-watching his classic Christmas films Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (never let anyone convince you there was a third one—never happened). Unfortunately, Mac appears determined to tarnish your memories because he recorded a four-minute-27-second video of himself eating a slice of pizza — a task he does with the enthusiasm of someone forced to delivery a eulogy at the funeral of a distant relative. Pretty terrifying, right? Here are 46 questions we had while watching the video: ***** Wait, that’s what Macaulay Culkin looks like now? Is he Charlie Hunnam’s stunt double on Sons of Anarchy? Where did they find him? Why does he have so much wrist clutter? Did he put on extra because he knew he’d be shooting this video? Why is this video available in no resolution better than 480p? (Note: This is probably a good thing.) Why is the pizza in a bag like that? That’s not how you bag a pizza. It’s always a side bag. This bag is huge. Oregano? Where is he right now? Is the pizza hot? It looks good. Why isn’t the oregano coming out? Who is Mac talking to when he says, “It’s not coming out?” Why does he give up so quickly? Why didn’t they check to make sure the oregano worked before filming? Is he going to fold the pizza? (Nope.) Why does he look like he really doesn’t want to be wherever he is, or eating the slice? Has he ever eaten a slice of pizza before? Why does he look so sad? Does he know he’s being filmed? Do the pizza oils get trapped in his beard? Why does he keep looking up? Does he know it makes things even creepier when he breaks the fourth wall? Oh wait what in the name of all things holy is he doing now? Are you even allowed to rip the crust off the pizza? And with such disdain?
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